The Keeper of Traken, with Rose
by Dead Composer
Summary: Because Rose and the Doctor belong together, and all those other companions just get in the way.


Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who or Rose.

* * *

A rude noise awakened the Doctor and his true love, Rose Tyler, from their blissful sleep. "Uhh," said the Doctor, rubbing his eyes. "Rassilon save us! That's the cloister bell!"

"Eh? Cloister bell?" said Rose, who looked ravishingly beautiful even with hair dangling over her face. "Doesn't that mean the universe is in danger, or somefin'?"

"In most cases, yes," said the Doctor. "But in this case, it means I've gone too long without snogging you."

He then proceeded to kiss Rose, passionately and earnestly. Their lips were like smouldering torches pressed against each other. They broke off for a moment, sighed, and then continued to kiss. The bell sounded again and again, but they ignored it.

Suddenly a booming female voice rang out. "This is the TARDIS! The universe is in danger, you lazy gits!"

"Bloody hell," muttered the Doctor, reluctantly taking his hands off of Rose's soft, perfect body. "Ever since you and I got married, the TARDIS just won't shut up."

They raced to the console room, the Doctor pausing every few steps to warm Rose's lips with his own. "It appears we've landed," the Time Lord remarked. "But where? Disneyland, I hope."

"I'd prefer Brighton Beach, me," said Rose.

"Ah, yes," mused the Doctor. "We spent our entire honeymoon there, kissing in the sand. Whichever planet this is, I pray it's got sand."

After opening the TARDIS doors, he led Rose gently by the hand until they had set foot on the mysterious planet. As the light of three suns surrounded them, so did a small army of surprisingly human-looking alien soldiers, each one wearing a garish nylon costume and holding a long pointy thing with a barrel.

"Intruders!" bellowed the foremost of the soldiers. "You will be taken before the Keeper and interrogated!"

"The sum of the squares of the sides of a right triangle equals the square of the hypotenuse!" yelled the Doctor.

"Wait!" said another of the soldiers. "He's a scientist. He can help us."

Words cannot describe the pain the Doctor and Rose suffered as they were forcibly separated and dragged before the Keeper. The diminutive man on the throne waved his hand at the guards. "Release them," he ordered. "The Doctor is a man of peace."

"That's right," said the Doctor. "After all, could a man of war do _this?_" He quickly leaned over and kissed Rose with all the passion he could muster.

"Welcome to the planet Traken, Time Lord," said the Keeper. "Our society is under attack from a mysterious calcified statue that lurks in the shadows. Perhaps you and your young companion can help us."

"Companion?" said the Doctor indignantly. "It's my _wife_ you're talking about. I've had companions before, but they were _dirt_ compared to her."

"Got any sand?" asked Rose.

A girl with a mop of curly black hair stepped forward. "Your Grace, I would like to accompany our guests as they investigate the mystery of the calcified statue," she requested. "With my prodigious and totally unaccountable knowledge of every branch of science, I believe I can be of assistance."

"You have my leave, Nyssa," said the Keeper. "Doctor, do you approve?"

"That depends," said the Doctor. "She'll have to obey certain rules. Rule 1: No dialogue, except for 'How's Rose?', 'Where's Rose?', and, if there's a baby, 'How are Rose and the baby?'. Rule 2: If Rose is having a bad hair day, she must mistreat her hair until it looks worse than Rose's. Rule 3…"

"Screw this," said Nyssa, storming off.

"Doctor, you are _so_ considerate," said Rose, and she kissed her precious Time Lord teddy bear.

Suddenly there was a disturbance in the court. "It's the statue!" cried one of the guards. "It's going after the Keeper!" They attempted to shoot down the calcified creature, but their long pointy things proved useless against it.

The Doctor stepped between the keeper and the walking statue. "I name thee…Carrionite!" he shouted.

"Doctor, that only works _once_, remember?" said Rose.

"Bwahaha!" the statue gloated. "Prepare to meet your doom, Doctor! I am the Master's TARDIS!"

"You've changed," said the Doctor flatly.

"Not the Master again," said Rose. "I had to wander the world for a whole year to stop him last time."

"Brave heart, Rose," said the Doctor. "I'll protect you." He pursed his lips to kiss Rose again…

…when the statue lashed out, striking the Doctor on his left temple. The Time Lord's knees buckled, and he fell unconscious.

"Oh my God!" cried Rose, kneeling. "Theta, are you all right?"

"Unnnggh," mumbled the Doctor. "Why do you keep calling me that?"

A hideous, mutilated creature emerged from behind the statue. "At last," he snarled, tiptoeing towards Rose, "a new body!"

"You want my body?" said Rose, outraged. "Never! My body belongs to the Doctor, and no one else! True, he's not equipped to have sex with a human female, but all the same…"

"I am nearing the end of my final regeneration," said the Master.

"Say what?" said Rose. "You mean there's a _limit?_"

"Only a new body can save me," the Master went on. "I choose _yours_, because it's young, and it's there."

"Oh, don't be silly," Rose chided him. "In _my_ body, you'll have to wear an uncomfortable bra every day, sit down when you pee, bleed once a month, and be paid less than a man. On second thought, may _I_ have _your_ body?"

Seconds later the Doctor regained consciousness. Standing up, he noticed the calcified statue standing motionlessly nearby, the Keeper unharmed on his throne, and Rose with a triumphant sneer on her face. "Hello, what's this?" he said, bemused.

"I am the Master!" said Rose wickedly.

"Nobody's perfect," said the Doctor, and he swept the Master into his arms.

* * *

THE END


End file.
